I can't sleep...

It's not that unusual...

I have already used the ellipsis twice, so I know I'm getting you riled up a bit. But that's how my thoughts come in, one over top of another, like spent waves washing over an unsuspecting beach. I try to grab at them quickly, all of them, overlapping. Trying to capture them all before they're sucked back into the surf again and eaten up by the ocean's waters. And that's why I can't sleep right now.

I have never truly understood what makes me this crazy, but writing has helped over the years. It helps to get the crazy out (at least some of it.) I don't want to get rid of the crazy and no one has ever confused me with a normal person (whatever that is) and I'm trying to type as I'm thinking, which I know full well is a dangerous enterprise, but I've learned so far is that you can't make every one happy, no matter how hard you try. Perhaps I can make someone happy. So, I'm just here to be myself, and give you another little piece of me...

Not a morning person

Morning people don't bother me. I'm not a coffee drinker either, or breakfast eater. Sometimes I even forget to eat during the day, going for more hours than I should if I get busy. The only time frame in the a.m. that I am fond of is after 12 and before the sun comes up. Maybe I'm broken, I don't know. I have a horrible time waking up in the morning. Leave that to the "normal people." Oh, I can act like one of the normal ones, but it's not my strong suit. I fear that my daughter is just like me. She's walked by the room twice as I've been typing. Nobody really mistakes her for normal either. But more importantly, back to me...

So, this sleep thing has gone on for more years than I care to admit. I've just rolled with it. I was the king of all-nighters. I started that in high school. I had this History teacher, Mr. McGonigal (I change no names to protect the innocent.) He had a major assignment due at the end of every quarter. I never completed one prior to the morning it was to be handed in. I did make some kind of preparation, mostly in my head. Organizing my thoughts, creating mental images of the final product, without beginning any actual work. I wrote one paper that I didn't start until 8 p.m. on the night before it had to be handed in. (Don't try this at home, kids.) I don't type particularly well and my dot-matrix printer (yes, I'm THAT old) jammed more than a few times as I was trying to get the last of my revisions done at 5 a.m. He always seemed pleased with my work, I mostly got "A"s, I can't ever remember a time that was unsuccessful. I've got another story about him later when I write about some of my great teachers (TBD.)

Yes, we're still talking about sleep

Why? Because I'm still awake. So then there was college. Still the king of all-nighters. Dropped an 8 a.m. class in college that I was daft enough to sign up for once (Once! - If you got that joke, stay tuned, you're my kind of people.) I gravitated towards late morning or evening courses, but it didn't always work out, because sometimes you just have to do the early morning thing. Like at exam time.

So I had this Physics class my Junior year. Not a real physics class mind you, since I was a Liberal Arts kinda guy (yeah, Rick. I admit it,) just filling out those requirements. But I was nailing it. So I pull my usual, all-nighter before the exam. Only, I fell out somewhere after 4 and I woke up at 9. Granted, that was generally early for me on too many days, but that particular day I needed to be at my exam...that started at 8. So I throw on a hat and ran down College Ave (I was already dressed so don't even go there.) When I arrive at the classroom to take my test, there's no one there. Yeah, I was kind of shocked too.

So, now you're asking: Were you at the right classroom, Jon? Did you get the day right? Is this a dream? Can this really be happening? I know, because I was asking myself all those same questions, only, like 20 some years ago, so you're late again. C'mon catch up people.

So, the Left Side of my brain wakes up and says: "Jon. Why don't you see if Professor whats-his-name is in his office." Only my brain knew the name then, but it's old now too and it doesn't remember everything. And I go around to his office. He was this cool old, short guy with glasses, I'm sure you know one. He's just sitting calmly at his desk. So I'm exhausted when I get to the door and I lean against the door jamb as I stammer some mess about sorry for being late and there's no one in the classroom and can I still take the test and it's scheduled from 8 until 11 and...somewhere in all that garbage from my head and my mouth, he just simply handed me the test and told me I would probably have plenty of time to finish and I wouldn't have anybody to cheat off of. Forty-five minutes later it was over. And I made a 93. At least that's how I remember it. Like you're gonna check.

Lord, I was born a Ramblin' Man

Things haven't changed much over the years. It's one o'clock in the morning now. I have to be at work at 7...and I'm still typin'. (But you're gonna like this next part 'cause it was kinda cool when it happened and you were gonna wish you were that good.) This isn't the first time I've written about sleep though. Did that in college too.

I had this Voice Articulation and Delivery class one semester. This is the part where you say, "Jon. What kind of class is that and what work would that entail?" You learn how to talk. Yup. You'd think that would be easy, right? It isn't. It's the class you take if you're going to seriously pursue acting or broadcasting as a career path. You learn all about how to properly vocalize, lose the accent, enunciate, communicate clearly. It starts with the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA.)

Take a look at an IPA chart sometime. Not now, I'm still writing here. Later. I just gave you the link to be nice. So anyway, might as well be hieroglyphics or an alien language. It's symbols that represent sounds. Glottal, Fricative, Nasal all have their place and you learn how to break down words into sounds so that you can pronounce them like you're supposed to. It can be confusing. Let's say I still don't know the correct way to say "orange." We actually argued that in class. The word orange. God, I miss college.

The goal of the class was to essentially lose whatever accent you came in with and speak using proper phonetics. Not really "My Fair Lady," but close. You control every facet of your speech, sounds, tones, inflection, volume. One of our assignments was to read in front of the class. I don't remember what sounds were the focus then but I decided I was going to use something I had written myself. The professor approved what she read and seemed pretty gun-ho about me presenting it. Guess what it was about? Yup. About lying awake in bed trying to fall asleep.

So I read this piece I had written, about how you just start out lying there, staring at the ceiling. Thoughts streaming through your head about today, the next day, that project you're working on. There's so many things processing and your brain can't shut down. One idea leads to another. Your eyes are sleepy but you're brain isn't ready for rest, yada yada. I'm clearly enunciating every word. I start out a little fast and slow down my pace as I continue through. Gradually I'm getting slower, calmer, the thoughts are a little muddled but the anxiety is easing, the pillow is softening under your head, and you're trying to think about the beach, the lap of the waves calming you as you close your eyes and just listen to WAKE UP!

That 's exactly what happened in class. I think one dude actually fell asleep. Either I was extremely boring or off the chart awesome. I prefer to think it was the latter. My professor and classmates seemed to like it. I imagine that's why I think that thoughts, written words and speech are really the same thing.

Words aren't just words

But it's what makes writing so difficult, Conveying emotions, thoughts, actions, conversations, setting a scene, all that draw a reader in, deliver a compelling story along the way where actions connect...that's not easy. It's hard enough to understand people we talk to on a daily basis face-to-face (I'm laughing on the inside now because I've just realized that I have a former co-worker who can't believe I took the class I talked about here. Mainly because I reverted to my roots from growing up in South Jersey and have difficulty pronouncing the word "water" to this day. This one's for you, Andrew. It's number 6 on this list.)

Sharing thoughts that are clear and understood by someone reading them are tough too. Ever misunderstand someone's tone from a text? Ever had someone misunderstand yours? Words can fail us. Finding those words can be frustrating. Sometimes the right word can't be found, maybe it doesn't exist.

My daughter has come in to move her laundry from the washer to the dryer so I am now certain that she's crazy like I am, just in a different way. It's 2 a.m. now and I'm wondering if I'll get any sleep at all. The waves keep drifting in. No sharks, but no more calming in their absence. Maybe I'll try to rewrite that sleep thing again...or stare at the ceiling some more.

People say I think too much...it comes with the territory, when you're the Incomplete Writer.